I’ve realized something as of late.
I push away what I don’t deserve – even though it’s usually what I desire the most.
I first noticed this during an argument my boyfriend and I were having. I don’t remember what it was about, but we were both upset/frustrated. Jay, being the wonderful guy that he is, said “I love you”, and started to give me a hug. I, in response to this kind and wonderful gesture, pushed him away. I pushed him away, even though the whole time we were fighting, that was all I wanted him to do. However, I felt too undeserving of love to accept it.
I ask myself often, “I don’t deserve love, so why should I accept it?” I’m glad that when Jay went to hug me I realized that I didn’t deserve to be loved like that, or anything close to it – I’m an awful sinner who deserves hell. However, Jesus died on the cross (Romans 5:8) and rose again (1 Corinthians 15:4) to make it possible for us to love as He loved (1 John 4:19). The Bible tells us over and over to love one another (1 John 4:7, Galatians 5:14…) – and never once does it tell us not to accept love. I can accept love, and I know that God wants me to – He shows His love to me all the time. Why should I ever push away God’s love? It’s true – I don’t deserve it. He’s aware of that. But He’s also very, very, very aware of the (loving!) sacrifice He made for me when He sent His Son to die on the cross. That’s true, unquenchable, crazy, and unconditional love. It’s a love that God intended for me to accept, so I can live a life pleasing to Him, and live forever with Him in heaven.
God shows His love to us in many ways – from Jesus dying on the cross, to a stranger waving “Hello”, to your boyfriend hugging you in the middle of an argument to remind you that you’re still loved by him.
I will continue to love people as best as I can with God’s help, but I will also try to learn to accept love. Instead of shoving someone’s effort to love me back in their face because I don’t feel deserving of them, I will accept their love and be thankful for the grace that God has given me.
In Him & through Him,